New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
