I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My balls are so social today.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
