So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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