Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
love makes seman taste better
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
