There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
50% drunk capacity currently
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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