Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
