i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she looked like the before picture.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
