I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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