i think i have two assholes
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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