Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
