did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
