how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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