Got a toothbrush?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
