moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
