During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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