How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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