Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
