last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
