Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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