if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just found puke in my bra..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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