I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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