My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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