If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
