my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
