I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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