omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
