My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
