It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
