goodnight i made you a song goodbye
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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