Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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