Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
