And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
