True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
