His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
