He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
