I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
