Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
