Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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