omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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