Jerry, you need to find god
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
