the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
