drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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