ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So many bounce houses so little time
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
