Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
