He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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