I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
