my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
