Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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