I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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