yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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